3. I guess I am doing this
Over a year has passed since I wrote my first post. At that time I thought I had finally made up my mind about starting to write publicly on a regular basis but shortly after I was crippled with self-doubt, felt too embarrassed to let anyone know, and eventually stopped after just two write-ups I told no one about.
Nevertheless, it’s been at the back of my mind all this time. “What does it mean that I want to write?”, I have been asking myself. I don’t really have a plan about how this newsletter (Newsletter? Blog? Not even sure how to call it..) should be like nor I have a particular topic I want to focus on. I seem to be going against every advice piece on how to run a successful newsletter and I wonder then what the point is. I also wonder though how many of those people who have been consistently writing one had a precise vision and a perfect plan from the start. All I wish to do is just to put down my thoughts and feelings somewhere that is not my space-restricted Instagram stories. “But why?”, I keep asking myself. “And why publicly?”. I am still trying to find an answer, yet I am also not even sure if it is really useful to ask myself such questions.
A while ago, Substack suggested me a piece called “Dear Writer: Advice on writing like it matters” by Holly Whitaker. She stated:
“I didn’t start writing to build an online presence or even to have a writing practice, but because I needed to write. I had to write. I didn’t know what else to do. I was lost. I was alone. I was stuck in the wrong life. I had a lot to say and I didn’t know who to say it to. […] What I mean to tell you, fellow writer, is that I didn’t start a Substack as a strategy, as a way to hone my writing chops or build a brand or make a living. I started it out of desperation, as a lifeline.”
As much as I truly understand what she means, I feel like it would be very conceited to say anything similar about myself. Do I need to write? Do I have to? Do people really feel the need to do it? I struggle with all creative pursuits, be it writing or music, because a voice inside my head is constantly whispering: “Who do you think you are?!”, “Why would people be interested?”, “Who gives you the authority to put something out?”. It seems to require a level of confidence and of not giving a fuck of what other people think that at times looks to me borderline narcissistic. I mean, I don’t believe all artists are narcissists, or maybe deep down I do…?
“I had a lot to say and I didn’t know who to say it to”. That line though struck a chord. Luckily it’s not like I don’t have anyone to talk to but conversations more often than not end up going in a direction completely different from what was initially intended to. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but writing could be the way to stick to a topic and dissect it, and delve deeper into whatever I want whenever I want. Plus, it gives me enough space and time to explain myself fully.
Explaining myself has been a need of mine for the longest time. I am not sure it is a healthy need and one which should be pursued but it’s probably at the root of wanting to write. I remember how baffled I was when the tutor of an art short course I took back in the summer of 2015 told me I did not really need to include the English translation of a sentence in Japanese I wrote in the zine we made as the final group project. “But most people won’t understand”, I said, “There is no need for everything to be understandable”, she replied. “That might actually be the biggest difference between someone who studied art (her) and someone who studied philosophy (me)”, I thought to myself. I am not sure if I have a need to write but I do feel like I have a need to explain and understand and be understood. Writing could be a way to do that.
Why publicly? People being aware of this newsletter will help me stick to this new resolution of writing regularly. I read somewhere that “Greater than the embarrassment of knowing people will read this, is the embarrassment of being someone who cannot stick to their resolutions”. I agree.